The Photo Shoot

It was a  Wednesday morning.  The day of my first professional photoshoot. I’m sharing this is because I made a powerful, conscious shift.

I’ve been exploring a new direction in my coaching practice. You’ll here more about that in the coming months. There is change-work for me to do. Continued success requires a new way of thinking. 

I like to think of things in terms of values. What’s important? How do I want to show up? As I explored those questions the answer was simple and clear. Powerful. Successful. Aligned. That’s what my inner state needs to be.

I needed photos taken for my new website. I wasn’t looking forward to the experience. I hate having my picture taken. Oddly, it was a significant hurdle. It was also my first opportunity to step out as an expression of my new brand.

I worked with my coach to choose the photographer, we chose the one whose work is best.  I found the idea of him intimidating. At his suggestion I put together a playlist that supported the right mood for the photos. I did a lot of visualization work, often with the music playing, so that I could reframe the fear that came up. 

I had a good sleep the night before and a quiet morning that day. Before I knew it the car was packed and I was heading out to the studio. Tom, the photographer was laid back. He made me feel comfortable, but kept things high-energy. 

We talked about the qualities I wanted to bring out. We added Fun. My butterflies turned to excitement. I was ready to go. I was just goofing around. Listening to my happy, energetic music. Expressing what the  brand means to me. I got some instruction, and, we laughed a lot.

I shifted by working on being powerful, successful and aligned as I moved though my day to day life.  I focused my spiritual practice on exploring and expressing those qualities. It is a great example of how spiritual work can help us with very practical things.

Have you had an experience where spiritual practice, or focus, has helped you with a practical goal? I’d love to hear about it.

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One Step Forward

  Sometimes we need to allow one door to close so that another can open. It is just as important when we are moving into a new way of living as it is when we are trying to release an old behaviour.

Once you’ve set a goal, reflect on what the goal represents. What part of your life will the goal shift? How much energy you are still using to support your old ways?

We all have limited energy to work with. Recognize, and honour your limitations. Focus on the important  things and use your energy for them. If what you’re trying to accomplish is significant you won’t have enough resources to focus on old behaviours.

Career changes are a great example. Particularly for entrepreneurs. I am currently rethinking my coaching practice. I won’t have the time, or energy,  to run both practices for ever. I’ll need to cut ties with my old business so that my new one can flourish. 

Doing that can also be a powerful way to create a success mindset. At some point you must burn your bridges. By letting go of the security they provide you create a deep need to get to the next step. If you manage the inevitable stress you will push into your new reality.

Giving up security can be difficult. You may loose some relationships that you value. If your change is  profound enough, you will have to shift too. Let go of the old you and be ready for a time of uncertainty. This identity crisis will allow a new you to step out into the world. 

Significant change requires you  to transform. Every area of your life will be impacted. Consider the impacts before you start to shift. There will be surprises along the way,  but at least you’ll be ready for what you can see coming. 

Do you agree that cutting yourself off from the security of where you were is the best way to push yourself froward?

I’d love to hear why, or why not.

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Developing Your Character

A good  life depends on good character in all of your dealings. It is the little day to day slips that lead us into bigger trouble long-term. How do we maintain the best character possible when the Universe is challenging us to develop?

Good character, caring for ourselves and others, being ethical and big picture focused, is a process of ongoing growth. Evolutionary periods are times when character slips are most likely. We can get us angry, lash out, make questionable compromises. If these slips become habits they can set us back significantly. 

Ifa divination makes it easier to avoid the pitfalls. But, even without it, you can recognize a growth phase, and be extra cautious. 

You will feel pushed whenever you start to grow. Things will go sideways with disturbing regularity. You’ll react strongly to things that normally wouldn’t bother you. You’ll feel stressed. But challenges provide opportunity for growth. Rise to the occasion by putting everything you’ve learned into practice.

Keep doing the things that are good for you even when the intensity turns up. Don’t let your self-care fly out the window. If you get overwhelmed by the pressure focus on moving forward, looking at the big picture, and thinking long-term.

Sometimes a crisis demands your undivided attention. That’s fine for the short-term. But, avoid going into over-drive and pushing blindly forward. Resolve the immediate crisis, then take a step back. Get your legs underneath you. Return to equilibrium.

Once you’re grounded find a long-term solution that works for everyone involved. Good character is always about creating win-win situations. 

It is crucial to cut out the noise from people who are panicking. They aren’t doing anyone any good. You may have to cut some of them out of your life. Sometimes good character demands that of us.

Our times of greatest crisis are opportunities to strengthen our character. Eventually, we are able to move gracefully with whatever life throws at us.

Do agree that our greatest challenges provide our most powerful growth? I’d love to hear why, or why not.

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The Importance of Empathy

2015 is a year for empathy. It’s a time to sit back and listen to the people around you. Take in what they’re saying. Understand the undercurrents behind their words. That way you can hear their needs. Empathy leads to win-win situations. 

To do this, start from a calm foundation. A peaceful state quiets the noise in your head so that you can tune in. Clarity allows you to sense what they are communicating with intonation, body language, and even energy. 

Breathing is one of the best ways to create the ideal state. Focusing on breath we ground ourselves and open our senses. If you feel calm and expansive you got it right.

Always breathe from your belly. Pay attention to your breathing. Make sure it is as low in your body as possible.  Once you’e moved your breath down, deepen it by filling your lungs. Then slow it down as much as possible. Make the out breaths longer than the inhales  to add to the calming effect. It can be a very subtle way to become more empathetic.

Empathy can be particularly challenging in group settings. When lots of people are trying to get their point across, speak last. Practice your breathing. Listen to every person as they speak. Sit, attentive, interested, with an open mind. You’ll get clear on what’s really going on with the group.

When your turn comes, take your time. Allow everything that you’ve learned  help you to figure out what to say. Communicate your needs, or opinion, in a way that aligns with the best interest of the whole group. You’ll get amazing results. 

It can be tough to have empathy. During heated debates, it might seem almost impossible. In family discussions it can be tricky because everyone is pushing each other’s buttons. Do the best you can. The smallest step in the right direction will help everyone. 

Have you had positive experiences using empathy and active listening? I’d love to hear about them.

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Time to Make it Happen

There are times when life demands that we move in a way that we’re not comfortable with. For some of us that means being quiet, thoughtful, or contemplative. For others, being more outgoing, courageous, and bold, is in order. 

These times are powerful growth periods. Trying on a new behaviour will set you up for success. The Universe will only demand that you expand your self-definition. It is important to balance your weak spots.

This year I need to get out into the world. It will be a time to be forceful, to make things happen. That isn’t natural for me. It’s hard for me to ask for what I want. I’ll have to address that over the course of this year.

I will have to push out of my comfort zone and explore things I’m uncomfortable with. I won’t suddenly become an aggressive go-getter. That isn’t who I am. The price for my success is balancing my reserved nature so that I can start to play a bigger, more public role. 

I will enjoy a great deal of what is coming. But, sometimes my own insecurities will try to stop me from doing what needs to be done. I have the tools I need to deal with these moments of crisis. 

This kind of year has its challenges. It can also can be extremely satisfying. You can launch in a new direction finding exhilaration along with balance. 

If you want to accomplish something that will require growth on your part, expect some turbulence along the way. Recognize the things that are going to be challenging. Then put resources in place to help you move forward in the most powerful and balanced way possible. Face your fears, and doubts, and keep going.

Have you ever knowingly moved into a phase that demanded huge shifts, and growth, from you? I’d love to hear your story.

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Opportunity and Stress

There are times when creative energy runs powerfully. It can be overwhelming and stressful. Manage the inflow to benefit from the opportunity that hides just behind it.

Creation is a violent process. Think of the big bang, the explosion that started the universe rolling. Here on Earth, new land is created by volcanoes. When we evolve it can also be explosive. Shifts can be so strong that we get lost.  

Sometimes the energy brings a powerful awakening. It is about inspiration. This can also be tricky. You can get so caught up in a new dream that you loose touch with reality. It is the energy of extremism. 

In either case, calm down to bring yourself back into balance. Look at this powerful moment through a different lens. At the heart of the explosion is almost limitless potential. It’s Ok to wonder what you’re supposed to do with it all.

The first step is taking a unbiased look at what’s in front of you. There is no reason for you to act on every opportunity. In fact, you shouldn't.

From the perspective of the Universe creating, all opportunities are good, and all possibilities equal. At the highest spiritual level that is true. Here in our lives, not so much.

To truly benefit from this powerful time you need to partner with the creative process. Take a look at each opportunity that shows up. How beneficial will it be for you in the long term? If something doesn't look great, move on. More possibility will always come. If you find something awesome put it on your plate and get moving on it.

The size of your plate is important too. If you take on too much you probably won't succeed. Fill your plated with as much as you can handle. Don't over do it. That way you can get everything this energy is meant to bring you while staying strong and healthy.

Have you ever found opportunity hiding under intensity? I’d love to hear your story.

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That Time of Year

It’s hard to believe that winter festival time is already here. This year has flown by.  It brought a lot of positive movement for many of us. 

As we shift in to high gear for the holiday season I’d like to remind you that it wasn’t always this way. For most of our history winter celebrations were more contemplative. People took time with close friends and family in a very intimate way. 

People also saw it as a time for quiet reflection and planning for the year to come. Rightly so. For most of us, at least in the Northern hemisphere, the days are short, the weather cold, dreary, even down right freezing. What do you want to do when this type of weather arrives? Find a warm cave and stay there! That’s exactly what the traditional winter festivals were about. 

Gather together in the warm, safe, indoors. Be more introspective. Think about how the last year has gone for you and those you love. Consider the things that you might have done better. 

Candles and lights are also an important part of this winter ritual. They remind us that Spring will come. The light will return. In fact, it already has. As soon as we cross past the winter solstice, the shortest day of the year, the days start to get longer. These celebrations provide us with hope. The sun will indeed return.

However you celebrate this time of year, take a little time out of your hectic schedule to think, to contemplate, to simply be. Allow this powerful time of year to push you inward. Discover what might lie in store for you as the New Year begins. 

All the best of the season to you, and yours, and my wishes for a fabulous 2015.

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Taking Care

Being nurturing can be extremely important at times. Make sure that you spend some of that supportive energy on you too.

Balanced nurturing seems to something that many of us struggle with. Some people only understand how to help others. They give too much, often at their own expense.Other people are good at caring for themselves but can be so self-concerned that they forget other people.

Both of these approaches are inherently flawed. In order for nurturing to be balanced it must include care for both self and others. 

Being a caring person does not mean being a doormat. The people who you have supported should be willing to support you when you need it. That help can come in any form. It represents the other person’s willingness to give back as best they can.

We all have times when we’re tired, ill, or just don’t have a lot of energy. That’s when we need to rest, relax,  and get better. If we don’t we will end up exhausted. If we do it too much it can have serious consequences.

On the flip side are the people who take care of themselves but loose track of other people. They can be self-serving, or simply hide to nurture themselves. They can find it hard to relate to other people. They can become isolated and depressed.

Understanding how and when to focus your caring is critical. There are times when we must give energy to the people in our lives who need us. At others we must withdraw to rest and recuperate. The best approach is to care for yourself and get strong. Then you will have the energy you need to care for the others. Balanced nurturing will make everyone in your life stronger, more capable, and more independent. 

Do you use your nurturing strength to empower yourself and others? I’d love to hear your story.

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In the Flow

Sometimes you need to sit back and let things happen. It can be easier said than done. 

We all like to think that we’re in control. While it is important to work hard towards the things you’re meant to get done in life. Occasionally, moving yourself forward means taking your time making adjustments as life throws stuff at you.

Periods like that always look a little bit chaotic for me. Schedules get altered. Plans change. Appointments get cancelled. It can get frustrating if I let it.

The best way to handle those times is to get curious about the shifts as they happen. Laugh as much as possible. There’s no point trying to control things. Most of all, be flexible. 

Think of the flow of life like a current in a river. You’re likely to end up where it’s going regardless of what you try to do. If you relax, let the river take charge, you’ll end up where you’re supposed to be.

Trust that the Universe is taking care if you. The current is carrying you around challenges so that you can deal with what’s really important.

Getting into the flow is easy for some people. They can take things as they come, and let the Universe take care of them. For others, including me, it’s harder. Instead of getting curious when things get unpredictable, I get frustrated. Instead of finding joy on the journey I try to figure out what’s going on.

That approach makes life more challenging, and makes the shifts more erratic.  I’ve gotten much better at exploring happily when the current is too strong to resist. Sometimes, when I feel the river carrying me, I can let go before I push myself off course. Occasionally I can laugh at how silly I must seem trying to resist the full force of life pulling me forward.

Do you resist, or embrace, the currents when they seem to be working against you? I’d love to hear.

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Peeling the Onion

Have you ever felt like you could work on your stuff for ever? Are you holding onto things you’ve already resolved?

I was adopted at almost 11 months old. I was in foster homes, and hospitals, before that. It was a rough ride. When I got home I was so weak that I couldn’t lift my head. With my families’ love, and support, I thrived. 

That  trauma left me with baggage. My infant self learned lessons that aren’t relevant any more. But, it’s still difficult for me to feel safe sometimes.

I’ve dealt with the root experience, but not with the threads of “proof” that happened later. 

When I was in my teens I experienced physical bullying because of my sexuality. My cocky self assurance started to crumble. In my twenties I was with a man who was emotionally, and physically, abusive. I was showing myself just how unsafe the world could be. I learned my most powerful, self-limiting, strategy. I began to hide. 

I hid in plain sight. At work, I was the person the office needed me to be. As so many of us are. I would hide the deeper parts of myself to make my partner comfortable. I would avoid confrontation, even with close friends. I showed people what they wanted to see.

I project easy confidence when I want to sit at home and hide. 

I’ve pushed somewhat out of my comfort zone. But I’m not out there doing the work I’m meant to do.

I‘ve made progress. I’m more authentic with the people closest to me. I’m more open with my clients than I thought possible. But being me, shining bright, out there where everyone can see, that terrifies me.

About a year ago I started to feel restless. I knew if I stayed hidden I couldn’t accomplish what I’m here to do. It’s time to get out in the world.

Where do you hold back from letting us see the real you? I’d love to hear your story.

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Time to Slow Down

Sometimes moving quickly isn’t helpful. Taking small steps can be the key to powerful forward movement.

When I decide to do something I usually charge ahead. My lack of patience creates a rush forward that isn’t always the best for me.  

I can always depend on life, or a reading, to let me know that my behaviour is creating a problem. That happened yesterday.  The message was loud and clear. Slow down and focus.

I’ve just started working with my coaches and I’m fired up. It feels like a starting line. As with a longer race, pacing myself at the beginning of this project is crucial.

I’m creating radical change in my business. It is important to have a clear vision of where I’m headed before I start moving. Everything inside me is telling me to get going. I need to stay calm until the perfect moment. Then I can pick up the pace and launch into success.

For now, being cautious, and methodical, is my best route to success. I need to slow down, breathe deep, and lay the foundation before I try to soar.

Plans change, ideas shift and grow. I’ll stay flexible. But, I need a solid plan in place before I get started.

My energy is limited. If I dash off too quickly I run the risk of burning out before I’m done. If I want long-tern success I need to keep my reserves in place for the hard work ahead. Change of this magnitude will  require emotional shifts as well as real-world effort. I don’t want to go in exhausted. 

So I’ll stay the course. Put one foot in front of the other until it’s time to push forward. Why not move with the energy of the Universe on my side?

Do you agree that there are times that quickly moving forward is not in your best interest? I’d love to hear why or why not.

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Shift, then, Trust

Even when you can see positive things coming, change can be challenging. Have you ever created lots of change at the same time? The shifts may be good, but they can bring on anxiety.

I’m having that experience right now. I’ve hired a coaching team to help me rethink my practice, and writing. We’ve only started the process, but, I can already feel the future tugging at me.

My husband and I have decided to explore spending more time in the California desert. Escaping some of our rainy winter will be amazing. I love the heat so summer might even be enjoyable. Spending more time away means restructuring my practice so that I can work remotely. 

As an Obatala I have a powerful need for a safe cave to retreat to. Frequent visits to hotels, and rented homes, are one of the challenges I see up ahead. I need to remember that the goal is eventually to have a home in the desert to retreat to.

We’re moving into the next phase of our lives. I have no way of knowing what our new life will look like. It will certainly be radically different. I’m really excited, but I’m also a bit anxious.

Major shifts disrupt my peace, and clarity.  I don’t always function well in the midst of change. That said, I do recognize how important it is to keep moving forward. I’ll embrace it all whole heartedly.

No matter how compelling the upcoming future is, it is full of unknowns. We can never see the future. We need to trust that the Universe brought us to this moment. It will make sure that we have what we need. 

To move though change gracefully there are a few things you need to do. Make decisions that align with your best, next, steps. Proactively deal with your resistance. Be sensitive to the signals that the Universe sends. Get readings to help clarify the big decisions. Most of all, enjoy the process as much as you can.

Have you struggled with changes that you know will greatly improve your life? I’d love to hear about it.

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Doing the Work

Reaching our goals requires inner, and outer, work. There is no magic wand that will bring you everything you want in life.

Many of us believe that we should be able to have whatever we want without making any effort. If we simply align ourselves, say the right prayer, or do the right spell, then poof. Everything we want will be delivered to us on a silver platter. 

The Universe is infinitely abundant, and infinitely diverse. We may experience many kinds of existence. Our lives here are only one example of many possibilities. We chose to have a physical existence. Earth is the perfect place for us to be in order to accomplish our destinies this time around.

You accepted your physical body. It came with a wonderful set of senses that bring you experience. You also accepted the rules of the physical Universe. The only way to manifest tangible results in the physical world is through physical action. 

Activity is not the only piece of the puzzle. You need to have every level of your being in alignment to manifest truly remarkable results. You must deal with all of the emotional baggage in your way. Your goals need to align with you purpose. Then you must take appropriate, and consistent, action. 

Spiritual, emotional, and mental, effort can support your physical goals but they will not deliver them. The rules of our reality are tough. Many of us find work in the “higher” realms easier.  But, if you want to live an extraordinary life you need to take action on every level. Trying to to leave part of the puzzle out will never give you what you’re looking for.

You must match your spiritual action with temporal effort in order to get tangible benefits. Otherwise  your results are a matter of luck.

Do you agree that positive thinking is only one piece of the achievement puzzle? I’d love to hear why, or why not.

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Too Safe?

If you stay inside your safe zone you risk stunting your growth. Pushing out with wisdom moves you forward powerfully, and safely.

Your comfort zone is there to support you. There are times when it is critical to your survival. We are programmed to see change as threatening, but without it we stay stuck. 

Pushing out can be scary. It can be unpleasant. But, avoiding the difficult parts of life doesn’t serve you. Too many people stay with what they know even if it isn’t working. Others believe that everything in life can be accomplished without effort. The Universe doesn’t work that way. 

We must be in partnership with the Universe to get results, and achieve our destinies. We chose to come here.  The limitations of our reality are part of the deal. Simply wishing for something with clear intention is useless. We have to take acton to make things happen.

Be clear about your goals. Work on any internal obstacles that you have to achieving them. You’ll push against your comfort zone as you start to do the work. Once everything is out of your way make the necessary effort.

As you work on your goal you’ll see just how powerful your comfort zone is. As it starts to weaken the parts of you that believe it keeps you safe will start to scream.

They are just like my mother’s voice from my last post. They’ll convince you that the effort isn’t worth it. They’ll try to tell you that you can’t achieve your goal. They’ll distract you.

These parts only want safety. That’s why you created them. Only you can choose to remove them. Acknowledge them. You used to need them. Thank them, and let them go.

How? Take action. Move intelligently. Slowly if you have to. But move. It is only your action that will show you, and those pesky voices, that you are safe. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. When new voices come up, listen to them, then let them go too. Eventually you’ll be in a new, better, life.

Do you agree that carefully pushing out of our comfort zones is necessary if we are to live fulfilled lives? I’d love to hear why, or why not.

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Your Comfort Zone

Your comfort zone is tricky. It can keep you safe, or hold you back. Working with it effectively can be harder that it sounds. 

The term originally described the ideal temperature for humans to exist in. I’m using it to describe the condition in which you feel most at ease. It can be physical, emotional, mental, or even spiritual. Knowing when, and how hard, to push against it is crucial to your growth.

For a number of reasons I had some pretty dramatic accidents when I was a child. My mother’s diligent efforts to protect me let me survive to adulthood. Her warning voice in my head still helps me to intuit danger in safe-seeming situations. But, sometimes it gets in the way. 

The first time I ever tried snowboarding was a challenge. I was at the top of a mountain for the first time. I was attached to my board with the wrong foot forward. My friends left me to figure things out while they did somer runs. 

I got up, and fell, again and again. After a particularly bad fall I heard my mom, loud and clear, “Be careful Brian, you’re going to hurt yourself.” I kept going until I was so tired, frustrated, and sore, that I started to walk down the hill. I ended up riding down the hill with the ski patrol. I’m lucky I didn’t seriously injure myself. 

I pushed out of my comfort zone too far, too fast, and with absolutely no wisdom. In my case challenging my inner need for caution is usually a good thing. But, doing it recklessly is never a good idea.

The story ends well. I eventually used my frustration to build determination. I took some snowboarding lessons. I conquered my fear by building skills. That was the wise course of action.

Next week we’ll explore the other side. When we allow fear, or complacency, to hold us in a comfort zone that isn’t good for us any more.

Do you agree that recklessly pushing out of your comfort zone could spell disaster? I’d love to hear why, or why not.

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What you need, versus, What you want

The Universe supplies us with everything we need to fulfill our destines. What we want may be another matter. Confusing the two is a common spiritual hurdle.

Many people start spiritual practice  in order to get something. This is the wrong approach. If you are more open then many unexpected benefits will come.

The Universe is a consciousness so vast that you cannot begin to comprehend it.  It will always know more than you do. It’s only goal is alignment. 

Beyond glimpses of the near future you can’t know what that alignment will look like. You have no idea what the long-term holds in store.

We have free will. If we listen, we’ll be guided to what’s best for us rather than floundering about. The more we tune in, the easier it becomes. 

You can ask the Universe for help. If your need is legitimate, and for your long-term good, it will be fulfilled. If you ask for something that isn’t in alignment you’re unlikely to get anything. It is best to ask for assistance and accept what shows up. 

I have been working with a client recently who is struggling financially. She, appropriately, wishes to petition Osun (the energy of success) for help. Let’s take a look at how she could do that.

The least effective approach would be very specific, asking for a lottery win for instance. That puts the Universe in a corner. If the windfall wouldn’t be good for her nothing will happen.

She could ask for a better job. That would be more likely to get results. It also requires her to be on the lookout for opportunities for promotion, or a new position with another organization.

Her best bet is to ask for her finances to improve. Allowing the Universe to provide her with long-term financial stability. She’ll need to be aware of the opportunities that show up, and be ready take action when they do. This allows the Universe many paths to help her. 

Do you agree that being open to what you really need is the best way to get results? I’d love to hear why, or why not.

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Less is More

When we push for too hard we can leave growth behind. Long term focus is the key to sustained success. our attachment to short-term gratification can be problematic, particularly when we are pursuing more significant goals. 

If you’re  driven, taking things at a slower pace can be a challenge. Many of us are taught that anything can be accomplished quickly if we focus and work hard enough. That is true for some things. For many of the most important goals in life, it is not. 

Fitness is a great example. We can be so determined that we push ourselves  beyond where we are ready to go. Our motivation fades, we exhaust ourselves, and often give up.  Part of the physical growth process is recovery. Without time to rest we can’t make gains. Pushing a little bit is the way to go. 

Be realistic about how far you can progress. If you have minimal experience it is best to proceed cautiously towards your goals. Physical fitness goals need to be long-term.

Spiritual development is similar. Whatever practice you are starting, focus on slow, steady growth. Many people start with a flash. They set up an elaborate altar. Start praying multiple times a day. Work as often as possible. This only leads to frustration.  Lack of instant results does not mean you aren’t growing.

Spiritual practice requires skill. Deepening your ability needs dedication, and patience. If you make sincere effort over a period of time, you will grow. 

People also experience frustration when praying for something. They think the Universe is Costco. Simply connect, make a request, and trade spiritual effort for whatever you want. It doesn’t work that way.  Your effort will bring you what you need. What you want is another story. We’ll talk more about that next week.

Do you agree that spiritual growth this a matter of patience and perseverance? I’d love to hear why, or why not.

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Honouring Versus Acting On Our Emotions

Learning when to act on our emotions is an important way to develop character.  It demands maturity. It is important for us to be in touch with our feelings. But, we get ourselves into trouble when we indulge them. 

There are many times when expressing ourselves openly, and honestly, is necessary. But, when our “in the moment” feelings could lead to conflict it’s time to pull back. It is best not to act on a negative emotion until we’ve had a chance to calm down. That way we can make a rational decision regarding what to do.

It is equally important to express balanced, positive, emotions. Putting positive vibes out into the world makes it better for everyone.

Sometimes we need to think about where a positive emotion is coming from. Even a surge of happiness can be problematic. This is particularly true when we meet a new, attractive, person. Even though our feelings might be positive, they are not ready to be expressed.

The excitement of meeting someone puts us into endorphin overdrive. These feel good hormones are there to help us forge bonds with other people. But, we can’t take them too seriously. The powerful rush of feelings should be allowed to subside. Given some time they will balance out. Then we can figure out how we actually feel. 

Friendships also go through the honeymoon period.When the initial emotions subside, powerful negative emotions can replace them. The negativity brings the balance we need. If we stay calm, and take our time, we’ll get to the end of the process. Then, we’ll create a stable, long-lasting relationship. 

Honour your feelings.  Take action when you are rational enough to respond appropriately. Look to the long term. Then all your relationships will be built on positive foundations. 

Do you agree that it is important to keep our feelings in check sometimes? I’d love to hear why, or why not.

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Our Partner's Stuff

When is it time to call our partner’s out on their stuff? It is  important to be sensitive to our partner’s feelings. When their old stories are operating it can be difficult. Eventually you have to expect people to be responsible for their history. 

One of the most difficult challenges in a relationship is dealing with flirtation. For the person flirting it is never a big deal. For their partner it can be hurtful. Does that mean we should never flirt?

Recently my flirting was taken  as a direct threat to my relationship. It forced me to take a hard look at myself, and at my husband’s sensitivity.

I had no intention of taking it any further . But, based on his past experience, my partner felt it was a problem.

I’ve realized that I need to be less exuberant when connecting with new people. I could have handled the situation more delicately. Now that I know the impact, I can take responsibility for my actions. 

My husband had a very painful breakup in his past. He gets upset whenever I flirt. He has difficulty leaving the old story behind to see that our situation is different.

I feel great compassion for him. I also know that it is  important for me not to take on his issues. Moving into a more healthy relationship requires us both  to deal with our own baggage. We can’t resolve other people’s challenges for them. We can support them and perhaps help them. But, the journey to healing their life is theirs alone.

I gave him some space to sort through things. We will see our relationship coach when we’re both ready. An outside perspective will help us get back on track as individuals, and as a couple. 

Our relationship will continue to thrive, and grow. The more we use this situation as an opportunity to heal ourselves, the more powerful our bond will become. 

When is it time to shield your partner, and when is it time to help them face their issues, and grow? I’d love to hear what you have to say.

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Friendship and Attraction

How do you handle a strong attraction to someone you’d like to start a friendship with?

 I recently met someone through very close friends of mine. I had a particularly intense connection with him. There was powerful, physical, chemistry.

Our conversation got intensely personal almost immediately. I don’t normally feel at ease with new people so quickly. I realized as we spent some time together that I really like him. I was excited about the possibility of a new friend.

In the past I would have chosen not to connect with him. I used to think that our attraction could only lead to issues. I believed that being attracted to a friend would threaten my marriage.

This experience challenged my thoughts about it. Good character demands that we honour our agreements. My husband and I are exclusive to one another sexually, and romantically. We chose that at the beginning of our relationship. We want things to stay that way.

It is also important to be open to the many opportunities that present themselves in our lives. It is critical to judge every opportunity for the long-term benefit it provides. When an opportunity carries challenge it most often brings significant growth.

I have decided to let the friendship grow naturally, while I keep my eyes open. Pretending that the attraction doesn’t exist could create even bigger issues. Only time will tell if we will develop a close connection. 

My new friend, and I, will have to explore one another with appropriate  boundaries. There may be times when that is easier said than done. The only way to move forward is to be completely honest with him about my attraction. I also need to clearly explain the boundaries of my primary relationship. That way we can relate in a  respectful way.

I hope by acting in an open, loving, way we can build a solid friendship. One that will benefit everyone in my circle, including my husband.

Do you believe that it’s important not to allow physical attraction to prevent you from pursuing a platonic friendship? I’d love to hear why, or why not.

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