Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Peeling the Onion

Have you ever felt like you could work on your stuff for ever? Are you holding onto things you’ve already resolved?

I was adopted at almost 11 months old. I was in foster homes, and hospitals, before that. It was a rough ride. When I got home I was so weak that I couldn’t lift my head. With my families’ love, and support, I thrived. 

That  trauma left me with baggage. My infant self learned lessons that aren’t relevant any more. But, it’s still difficult for me to feel safe sometimes.

I’ve dealt with the root experience, but not with the threads of “proof” that happened later. 

When I was in my teens I experienced physical bullying because of my sexuality. My cocky self assurance started to crumble. In my twenties I was with a man who was emotionally, and physically, abusive. I was showing myself just how unsafe the world could be. I learned my most powerful, self-limiting, strategy. I began to hide. 

I hid in plain sight. At work, I was the person the office needed me to be. As so many of us are. I would hide the deeper parts of myself to make my partner comfortable. I would avoid confrontation, even with close friends. I showed people what they wanted to see.

I project easy confidence when I want to sit at home and hide. 

I’ve pushed somewhat out of my comfort zone. But I’m not out there doing the work I’m meant to do.

I‘ve made progress. I’m more authentic with the people closest to me. I’m more open with my clients than I thought possible. But being me, shining bright, out there where everyone can see, that terrifies me.

About a year ago I started to feel restless. I knew if I stayed hidden I couldn’t accomplish what I’m here to do. It’s time to get out in the world.
Where do you hold back from letting us see the real you? I’d love to hear your story.

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